Surfing Concrete When there's No Waves

so my meds have started making me feel alot better. i met someone this week who just brightens up my day and my friends are fucking amazing. i’m feeling a lot better about everything right now :)

Clouds are starting to go away 

SO FUCKING ANGRY, I WANT TO KILL MYSELF SO BAD, I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! EVERYTHING IS JUST FUCKED, I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO KEEP MYSELF FROM SLASHING THE FUCK OUT OF MY WRISTS TONIGHT, GOD HELP ME.

“I don’t love you anymore” is all I remember you telling me
Never have I felt so cold
But I’ve no more blood to bleed
‘Cause my heart has been draining into the sea

I wrote her a letter, i really want to just get rid of it and not bother, i aready know what i’ll here back, in other news, god came to me.. i prayed for his help last night.. and then i woke up this morning and and he’d sent me sign over the day. but i think it’s too late, i don’t want to go through life any further….

I give up

so much pain, please lord take me away, i’m begging you, take me to a better place! i’m still here but i’m already dead, i’m so weak, two days in a row that i’ve bailed on work without calling, i went back home last night and cried my eyes out all alone in my room. my chest burns, and it feels like it`s going to explode, i want to do nothing, i just want to cut again, i wan to throw things and punch this, i want to destroy everything, but i don’t have the energy.. i wish i was never born, i honestly do.. all i do is cause pain.. i saw emily again last night, she made it clear that she would never come back to me,  and so she shouldn’t, all i did this week was made her cry and cause her pain, i love her so much but still, like always i caused her hurt.i told her i couldn’t see her anymore if i couldn’t have her, it’s breaks my heart everytime i see her knowing what i’ve lost.. but without her… all seams lost…i want to take it all back i just want to call her and ask her to see me, she’s the only one that takes it away.. i just want to sit in her arms.. i just want to call her and beg.. but i can’t.. i want to kill myself so bad.. but i can’t do that to her..  

Since I woke this morning I felt really suicidal for the whole day, work was hell. The second I got home I got in the shower and cut my self, nowhere near as deep as last time though. I’m laying out here on my own blasting Alexisonfire trying to drown my sorrows. A hug would go really far right now. I feel so weak and exhausted.

I was happy last night for the first time in months.. I mean genuinely clear minded, calm, happiness.. I woke up this morning feeling sick and confused. I had a new feeling i’d never felt before, but it wasn’t a good feeling. I know the one thing that brings me happiness, the one thing that will brighten up every moment of every day.. Like used to.. But I took to long to realise it. it’s back in my life.. But it will never be in the way I want it to.. That hurts me a lot.. I want to fix this. And I know how to but I feel like if I try i’ll ruin the small part i’ve been given, so i’m torn between running away again still heartbroken and alone.. Just be happy with what I have or try make this right and make it better, but if I fail I could just ruin anything.. and break my own heart all over again.. I’m thinking I should just be happy i’m in her life again, and that sometimes i’ll still get a part of that shine.. But that’s not what my heart tells me, my heart tells me it isn’t enough.. I need my soulmate. But I don’t think my soul mate needs me. So i’ll spend the next couple of days trying to decide what i’ll do. I just want it all back, to make it all okay.. I miss the simpke times we had. I miss cuddling at the trots in the freezing cold, I miss spend whole days on the beach like when we first met, I want to take her places, show her things.. I want to fix this.. I just know what I want isn’t what is going to happen. My hearts already in pieces.. I don’t want to make it worse.. Someone please help me.. What do I do?

Kind of homeless again, anti depressants seem to be fucking with me already.. Not good.

So a week and a half ago I nearly killed my self, I got home, got a steak knife from the draw and sat under the veranda. I held it into my chest, slowly piercing myself, I pulled the knife away and I went to strike myself one final time, but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself to do it. I couldn’t… from the frustration of not being able to do it.. Again.. I then cut the shit out of my arm again just before about 10 of my friends walkes in on me nearly passed out and bleeding. Again, I fucked everything and everyone,up. My life is just falling apart, I don’t feel like this will ever get better.. I can’t leave this place, no mattrr how many times I try and how much I want to. I’m so depressed. I’m back on meds again and all I want to do it cut myself again. This isn’t me.. Fucking help me

Please.

I feel so fucking cheated by life, i’m so angry at everything and everyone around me.. if I was given one wish, honestly? I would disappear, completely wipe my existance.. It’s sounds like something an immature child would say, but I feel like the world would be a lot better without me being apart of it, as I would be without the world. There are 7 billion people alive today, so how am I still so fucking alone? I tell everyone around me that work was shit when they ask me how it was, it is shit and I hate waking up knowing I have to work for shit pay, long hours and have to pretend I actually give a shit about some other cunts day. But in all honesty.. It’s still the best part of my day, for those shitty 8 hours everyday, I don’t think about how unhappy I am, I just go there and do what I need to do. How fucking pathetic is that! The best part of my day, is going to work.. On top of all my other issues and depression, the stuff that already made me miserable.. In one week I found out one of my closest relatives is probably going to die of cancer, the day after that I broke up the the one person who genuinely made my life worth living after realising I meant nothing anymore to her, two days later I was kicked out of home, and 3 after that I was assulted.. I feel so fucking alone and used, I wake up and cry, get un the shower and cry, do the same in my lunch break and cry, come home and cry in the shower again and then go to bad doing the same, and repeat, again, i’m pathetic… Especially after losing emily.. I can’t explain how much i’m still hurting, she was the one thing I got out of bed for, now I get out to spend my whole day checking her facebook like a creep looking for some sort of sign that this wasn’t what she wanted.. My day consists of staring into space and being held hostage to my own thoughts, and theres no escape.. I want to die in an accident, with little pain, so at least then I don’t have to worry about fucking up my own death. Please help me! I’m literally going insane.

Kicked out of home last night, and everyone thinks it’s my fault.. I’m not going to tell you what happened becausw it doesn’t ever matter how I think or feel, i’m always in the wrong.. Where’s my side of the story? Basically i’m losing everything that meens anything to me, and i’m losing all my hope and energy. i’m about to call my work to tell them that I need more time off work.. Again, so i’m thinking that i’ll probably lose my job to.. I broke up with the one person I need three days ago.. She didn’t want me so I took a message and broke it off with her, thats still really hurting me.. Feeling really alone and lost. I’ve beem thinking about killing myself for a while, never had the guts.. I feel like maybe that might change, I don’t feel like I’ll be here much longer, after those last two things to happen, I really don’t have much left to live for. I can’t tell you this absolute empty broken feeling I have right now.. If there is a god… I really need a break from all this.

Wow, emptiest feeling.. Can’t stop thinking about my ex.. and wondering how she is and what she’s doing without me, is she thinking about me?